2014 USU CIDER REVIEW

First there was the landmark Queer Review. Then there was the Transparency Review. Now the Union Board of Directors brings you the Cider Review. On the 14^th August 2014, Alisha Aitken-Radburn and Kade Denton tried all of the ciders at Manning Bar. These were their live findings, no edits have been made:

Kade and Alisha on the ground conducting research

JS Orchard Crush - $6.80 Non-ACCESS (N/A) - $5.80 ACCESS (A)

Kade – With the first, timid mouthful Orchard Crush tastes very similar to how I imagine my personality will be when I reach 75 – dry and bitter. I really have nothing against Orchard Crush, I mean it’s a nice drink and all but it’s probably one for when you’re feeling happy and just don’t want to feel much happier.

Alisha – This is a hard one. As the first cider of the night, I sit here – nervous. I am nervous because I think this one may be my fave of the entire review. The first sip hits me like a friendly slap to face. It is tangy, tart and just that little bit sour all at the same time. The perfect beverage to drink listening to some Destiny's Child when you’re just a little bit rundown. 

5 Seeds - $6.10 N/A - $5.20 A

Kade – While having a scent that could only be described as “quite urine-y” - 5 Seeds definitely delivers in the taste department, with a sweet, smooth and ultimately non-offensive mouth of juice. If you’re in for a big night then this is probably one for the long haul.

Alisha – 5 Seeds is incredibly disappointing.* It would have been the drink of choice when I sneaked in underage to Greenwood had Vodka Raspberries not existed. I feel like I’m drinking one of those flavoured Pump waters and I’m definitely not here with the intent to be hydrated. It’s weak. It’s boring and I’m just not into it.

* In the interest of transparency – I ate some spicy buffalo wings in between the tasting of Orchard Crush and 5 Seeds.

Editor note: I do not accept responsibility for the comments below

Pipsqueak - $7.40 N/A - $6.30 A

Kade – Like a well endowed man and a huff of amyl, Pipsqueak Cider definitely hits the spot. It's fantastic. That’s really the only way to describe this cider. It’s sweet but not too sweet, a little fancy but not too fancy, and just rolls down your throat like an angel lightly sobbing into your mouth. I can’t recommend this drink enough. I love it. I’d even bath in it if bathing in enjoyable ciders were a socially acceptable act. 10/10.

Alisha – It’s good. It’s got way more body than 5 Seeds, while not being as super heavy as Orchard Crush. It’s close, but no cigar. I’m still preferencing Orchard Crush because it is very supportive, like a close friend – but alcohol. Pipsqueak is doing nothing to support me through the inadequacy I am feeling sitting on Manning Verandah next to an amalgamation of the Literary Society and Arts Review talking indepth about Opera Australia’s adaptation of Don Giovanni (apparently it was shit.)

Kirin Ume - $11 N/A - $9.30 A

Kade – I’m not quite sure where my pants went but something tells me that this Kirin drink removed them for me with its deliciously smooth tones. Kirin is nearly so smooth that I missed how the alcoholic punch is mysteriously absent and I probably couldn’t tell the difference between this cider and a watered down bottle of generic apple juice. I’m deeply unsure about what Umi is and why it’s been included in this drink, but I’m thankful that I can’t taste this apparent Japanese apricot. It’s probably (and by probably I mean definitely) not worth the $11 I just spent on this drink. Yes I was too drunk at the bar to remember to use my access card but whatever, don’t judge me.

Alisha – Okay Kade spelt Umi wrong it’s Ume pls. Before I tasted Kirin, like any good cider connoisseur I swirled and enjoyed it’s perfume.  The Japanese apricot smelt super delish.  Kirin has taken my cider experience to the nek level. You know how people talk about parties in mouths? Kirin is SUBSKI. Get amongst it.

I’ve delegated the task of rating to Patrick Morrow (President of SUDS, Expert on Stonefruit) and he rates Kirin a 4.3/5

Kirin Mandarin - $11 N/A - $9.30 A

Kade – At first sniff the Mandarin version of the very smooth Kirin has distinct fragrances of a vodka cruiser. The taste of vodka is an exciting prospect after so much cider. Turns out it wasn’t vodka.

Alisha – I don’t like it. What are you doing a mandarin and a cider what are you doing maehelkjas;\

The end result

If you would like to take part in the process of this review, please contact Kade and Alisha via email - k.denton@usu.edu.au / a.aitken-radburn@usu.edu.au

The University of Sydney Union encourages the responsible consumption of alcohol.